Too tired to live, or just too sad to be free

I didn't think it was possible to be this tired and then I remember yes, it is possible to be this tired. My tears are just falling from exhaustion and yet, I can't fall asleep. Molly and Charlie are snoring in tandem...silly dogs won't give any me room to stretch. It's nights like these that make miss my Tyler the most...I could sit in his room and play scrabble and just listen to him breathe.To listen to his steady breathing was such a comfort, after all the early years and medical struggles. Those hard fought surgeries to give him a clearer breathing and as much functionality as we could were worth every bit of pain, to see his body twisted into a hairpin, heels touching the back of head, wracked in agonizing pain was horrific. I can recall the recovery nurses running to get me to hold him and comfort him after the surgery. There was such pain in those beautiful eyes, "Momma what have you done to me?" Oh, my dearest son, I want you to live...I want you to breathe, we had to do this to help you. Those nurses begged me to talk to him and let him know momma was near. I did..and with every surgery, I begged Ty's forgiveness for subjecting his body to such pain. His body was so broken. His early years were never a comfort, it was such a battle. I can remember when we first brought him home...on Christmas Eve. So tiny and so needy. He was barely 4 lbs. The monitor, the beeping, the strangeness of our home....I can remember sitting in that rocker can holding him to my chest for hours and hours on end. Everything startled him, everything made him cry.....his senses were constantly assaulted by light, by sound, by touch. He never stopped crying for hours and hours. I can remember Dr. Cordes giving me some drops to give Tyler just so I could get four hours of sleep. The crying never seemed to stop, 18 hours a day, never ending. WE rocked and rocked. I felt it was necessary to hold him close to my heart and let him hear my heartbeat, to try and comfort the constant sensory overload. Low lights, quiet, and momma's heart beat. I was so unprepared to be his mother and this blessed child changed my heart forever. He taught me so much and I long for his smile and laughter. He was so cruelly ripped from our lives and so suddenly gone. I still can't grasp the grief sometimes. There are those moments when memories consume you and the loss is all you can hold on to. There is no timetable on grief and loss. There are times when living is unbearable and the tears won't stop.

http://notyourmommaskitchen.blogspot.com/2013/07/pnk-beam-me-up-official-lyric-video.html

The Real Price of Children

The Price of Children This is just too good not to pass on to all. Something absolutely positive for a change. I have repeatedly seen the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice. The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into: $8,896.66 a year, $741.30 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day. Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140? Naming rights. First, middle, and last! Glimpses of God every day. Giggles under the covers every night. More love than your heart can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies. A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day. For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to: finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to: keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day. For $160,140, there is not greater bang for your buck. You get to be the hero just for: retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless. You get a front row seat to history to witness the: . first step, . first word, . first bra, . first date, and . first time behind the wheel. You get to the immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you are lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications and human sexuality that no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever and love them without limits.

So . . one day they will like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!! Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!!!!