Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Too tired to live, or just too sad to be free

I didn't think it was possible to be this tired and then I remember yes, it is possible to be this tired. My tears are just falling from exhaustion and yet, I can't fall asleep. Molly and Charlie are snoring in tandem...silly dogs won't give any me room to stretch. It's nights like these that make miss my Tyler the most...I could sit in his room and play scrabble and just listen to him breathe.To listen to his steady breathing was such a comfort, after all the early years and medical struggles. Those hard fought surgeries to give him a clearer breathing and as much functionality as we could were worth every bit of pain, to see his body twisted into a hairpin, heels touching the back of head, wracked in agonizing pain was horrific. I can recall the recovery nurses running to get me to hold him and comfort him after the surgery. There was such pain in those beautiful eyes, "Momma what have you done to me?" Oh, my dearest son, I want you to live...I want you to breathe, we had to do this to help you. Those nurses begged me to talk to him and let him know momma was near. I did..and with every surgery, I begged Ty's forgiveness for subjecting his body to such pain. His body was so broken. His early years were never a comfort, it was such a battle. I can remember when we first brought him home...on Christmas Eve. So tiny and so needy. He was barely 4 lbs. The monitor, the beeping, the strangeness of our home....I can remember sitting in that rocker can holding him to my chest for hours and hours on end. Everything startled him, everything made him cry.....his senses were constantly assaulted by light, by sound, by touch. He never stopped crying for hours and hours. I can remember Dr. Cordes giving me some drops to give Tyler just so I could get four hours of sleep. The crying never seemed to stop, 18 hours a day, never ending. WE rocked and rocked. I felt it was necessary to hold him close to my heart and let him hear my heartbeat, to try and comfort the constant sensory overload. Low lights, quiet, and momma's heart beat. I was so unprepared to be his mother and this blessed child changed my heart forever. He taught me so much and I long for his smile and laughter. He was so cruelly ripped from our lives and so suddenly gone. I still can't grasp the grief sometimes. There are those moments when memories consume you and the loss is all you can hold on to. There is no timetable on grief and loss. There are times when living is unbearable and the tears won't stop.


  1. OMG. Please know that even though I don't know you personally, my heart aches for you. I still cry daily for my mom who I lost suddenly almost three years ago...and I'm pretty sure that this pain can't compare to the loss of a child. I wish I could tell you that it will get better soon, but it won't. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve as long and hard as you need to. Sending the tightest virtual hug ever. I am so terribly sorry for your pain and loss. (((hugs)))

    1. Sweet Polly, thank you for your kind words. I send you healing hugs as well. Loss is never easy. Grief changes but it never fully leaves. Bless you dear one. Tina